The Darker Tower

Friends,

Over the years, I have had to deal with the inane ramblings of one Stephen King regarding my brother, Roland of Gilead, in King's Dark Tower series. Now, Roland is a fine enough fellow, for sure, but I have to say that the interpretation of his life and adventures leaves, um…something to be desired in the reality department. It's not to say that it's totally untrue. The part with Roland spying on Hax was true (from childhood, he was always a busybody). Also the fact that he never changed his drawers was true, too (trust me on that one). But countless other "facts" in the Dark Tower series are blatant misrepresentations. I did most of the gunslinging between the two of us. I was sent away to the Baronies while Roland puttered with things like algebra and getting his ass handed to him by Curt (whom he called Cort in his version, probably out of fear of litigation). I was the one on the adventure of a lifetime, seeking out something way more mind-blowing than the stupid Dark Tower that Roland had fantasized about since his youth. The world knows all about Roland and his daring-do, but they don't really know the truth. I do. And it's time to set the record straight with the world, lest Roland forever hog my glory and steal it for his own.

So, here it is. The true story of the greatest quest in history – the search for the Darker Tower. While you may have marveled at the amazing (yet utterly false) story spun by dear Mister King, I'll let you in on what really happened and reveal once and for all that my younger brother is a total buttwad. Yar.